Loss & Gain

  

I feel like the most spiritually motivated person to ever walk the earth when I think Ive recognised a blessing. Those ‘clear as day light’ blessings that I didn’t need to search too hard for, pray too much about, meditate so intensely for. Those ‘easy come’ blessings that feel so right and so clear. I love the feeling of feeling like I’ve heard exactly what the Lord is saying to me. He may as well of written it down and said ” there you go Shamar, instead of doing that, I have something INSANE for you instead”.

Ah, that ‘don’t stop me now’ feeling that takes over once you have accepted what has been presented in front of you… What if that blessing was simply just a lesson? That insecurity that runs through me, the screams while there is silence that remind you easy come… easy go. 
The past month I’ve felt it all. Every emotion, every doubt, every bit of reassurance. There have been times when giving up on everything in life seemed like the only option. The constant questions of faith would run through me daily. “Why was I so wrong? Is this my fault? Was this my choice but not Gods? Is there really a bigger plan for me? How? When? Why?..What the hell!?!” Repetitive thoughts and feelings that could easily drive anyone off the edge. It was so intense that I needed to force myself to play The Glad Game, convincing myself that I am glad for something or anything. Glad that during a loss there was some sort of gain. 
A lesson, a gain, whatever. If it’s a blessing that hasn’t followed through to the end (to your knowledge) then maybe that’s exactly what it is. In those times it’s only natural to allow human nature to take over. When things don’t work out for me I sometimes feel like doing the mellow-dramatic-collapse-on the floor-with-my-hands-in the air scream of why. Does it help? No. Would it help? Maybe a little. It’s easy to ignore your spiritual consciousness when you feel loss. The way I tried to concur it was to be thankful for the people I have been blessed with in my life. Be thankful for being able to see those who truly love me, stand for me and support me in my life. That in its self was a true blessing. 
Now I’m not going to sit here and say ‘oh my pain was totes easy because I’m best buddies with the Lord and he totes got me through this super easily’, because that would be a lie. It was damn straight the hardest thing and I know there is still more to come. During this season so much more than my pain from my lost blessing has come to light. I feel like Gods like “we are going to deal with your s**t, you are not alone and you are going to come to me if you like it or not!” I know I’m the worst at listening which is ironic since the meaning of my name is ‘hear’, so I know that I only hear about 20% of what the Lord is trying to show/tell me. 
Prayer has helped, being lost for word during prayer.. Hmmmm.. Not so much funny enough? Which makes prayer super difficult. These are the times when I do feel alone. I know The Lord knows exactly what I’m going through, I know he sees and hears it all. But when it came to directly bringing it to him it was so bloody difficult! My prayers felt like they were going no where and I didn’t know where I wanted them to go. So I stopped. Just decided that maybe I should just be true to myself, stop praying stop seeking and just wait. And by waiting I did hear. Now I’m not saying this would be a perfect idea for everyone and every lost blessing but it was good for me. By waiting I saw more and was able to be thankful for even more in my life, I was able to understand comforting blessings and words from my friends and family. By waiting I was also able to see that God was basically telling me to come to him, as I am. 
Things work in mysterious ways, whether you believe that or not, they truly do. They work in a way that our human and spiritual self find difficult to comprehend whilst working together. Knowing how to deal with a blessing, a lesson, or a lost blessing is what I believe to be quite personal. I’m not going to stand at the front of a church or nor am I going to head to speakers corner and stress to people that this is the way to deal with any pain in life. I’m just simply going to hope that this does inspire you to draw close to the Lord during your bad times, your good times and every your crazy times. From this I have learnt that my faith is bigger than anything I go through. From this I’ve learnt that I can be bigger than my problems. 

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